So the last couple of days have been absolutely GORGEOUS!! It seems to happen at the beginning of every February in the Chicago area, we catch a few days of sunlight and warmth to remind us to "hold on guys!!!" Spring is on the way!!!" Its a pleasant respite. But then its right back to the normal dark and chilling days that we are actually supposed to be experiencing. Life is filled with those moments where the stable veneer that we cover ourselves with is peeled back to reveal just how unstable most of us actually are. February is one of those moments. It's hard to explain, but February is a rough month, especially for Wheaton students. Its dark, cold, and spring break is far enough away to seem unreachable. Then there is Valentines Day....which in our extremely ritualized and complex dating culture is simply the icing on an already extremely messy cake. We do a pretty good job at sarcastically deflecting how burdening of an issue dating is on campus, but Valentines day has a way of redirecting our gaze back to places where our humor can't protect us. And so for a few days we are uncomfortably reminded that our laughter can only protect us from facing our relational insecurities for so long.
As fascinating as Wheaton culture is, the reason I chose the title and picture I did today is because I wanted to talk about friends!! Yes friends!! We all have them in one form or another, and they all bring an amount of joy and stress to our lives that is inspiring (or draining....occasionally at the same time). Much like February has a tendency to reveal our own self-deceptive tendencies to ourselves, there are events that occur in our relationships with our friends that remind us that our motives aren't always as pure as we think they are. I'll use a personal story as an example.
One of the most stressful and insecurity inducing experiences that students on campus face is the ritual of housing selection. While meant as a process of encouraging students to come together and consider who they would want to live with next year...people they think can encourage and challenge them into growth....people that will give them lasting good memories and impact them positively, it more often de-evolves into a process of emotional musical chairs, where the last one standing gets stuck living alone. The system is based off of random numbers that are generated for all students of every class. The higher the class your in, the better the numbers you get. Once you become an upperclassman, you have an opportunity to apply for campus houses and apartments, and also off-campus housing. The point being that the system is not based exclusively on the strength of your numbers. Either you get the house or apartment your going for, or your numbers are too low and you don't.
While you might think that this is the most stressful part of the process, you would be wrong...it's the human factor that exacerbates the entire process, and here is where I personally have been convicted in the whole excursion. When I began to consider what, who, and where I wanted to live next year, a large number of categories immediately flashed through my head. But perhaps the most important question that was flowing through my mind was "who don't I want in my house." This was usually followed very quickly by "Oh man...definitely not that dude!! I can't stand his spiritual/political views...or...he's messy and talks loudly....or...I simply don't understand him and he makes me uncomfortable." These were followed by thoughts of who I thought was "cool," and who I wanted to live with, and more importantly: how I was going to persuade them to live with ME.
While I by no means wish to say that there is something wrong with looking for those you are compatible with, my process of searching for roommates was wrong on a deeper level. It was driven by my desire for the FREEDOM to choose the roommates I wanted. At the heart of my search was "WHAT IS BEST FOR ME?" But the point of community, and specifically friendship is that its NOT about ME. I think that what the housing selection process really exposes is our own selfishness. We have become so used to the idea that our freedom of choice is a God-given right. Our western culture has taught us to be "true to ourselves," and to think on an individualistic level. This was NEVER the point of friendship. We engage in friendships because of our need for others....but this need should be driven by a heart of service, and encouragement...not entitlement and gain. Christianity calls us to radically reconsider what friendship, and more importantly, freedom mean. Our "right" to have things go our way is forfeit.
So I challenge you. As you continue to look through your personal friendships (or maybe even work out your housing for next year) take the time to consider why your a part of those relationships...and if you've really taken the time to sacrifice for your friends. Instead of asking "who don't I want to live with," I should have been asking, "what would be the best setup for my friends, and how can I fit into that plan?" Even if the answer was something I would not have liked...I should be willing to sacrifice either my comfort, or desire for the sake of those I love.
The picture that I chose for today's post reminds me both of Spring (come quickly please!!!) and friendship. I like to think that it captures the spontaneity and enjoyment that should be a natural outcropping of life together. The subjects are simply sitting in a boat enjoying each others company, and watching others swim. There are no expectations, no worry from insecurities, and no agendas....here is simply a group of people enjoying each other. If we could learn to let go of our desire for control and our own way perhaps our friendships would look like this more often.
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